So you meet this great man, and everything is going smoothly. You and he have gone on several dates, have had fantastic sex, have met his best friend, dog, and mama. So after dating for several months, you finally work up the courage to ask about your relationship status, to find out that you’re possibly in a situationship.
Your heart suddenly sinks to the pit of your stomach and you can’t breathe. You instantly become a nervous wreck. You’ve been dating for all this time and yet this man is still unsure of what he wants.
I have been in a few situationships in my lifetime and I have to tell you ladies one thing, they’re an absolute headache. As a black woman my dating pool is already fairly slim, so it hurts when you feel like you found a great man and they’re not taking the relationship seriously enough.
A situationship is what I like to call beautiful chaos. You get to have the perks of a relationship without real commitment. It seems like a low hassle relationship for both parties, but typically one person may experience more intense feelings than the other person. It’s literally an F up way to tell someone you’re good enough right now, but not good enough for the future in my opinion.
Now, is it time to walk away? Once feelings are involved, it’s never easy to leave a person. Here are some tips on figuring out if you should stay or if you should leave a sitationship.
Are you being a therapist?
Ladies, we have to stop trying to save broken men. Those men can break us down because we are carrying the weight of their baggage on our backs, and that is something that we should not tolerate. We are not their mothers, and we are not they’re therapists.
In situationships, women can sometimes invest their whole life into building a man up to be a better person, that we may forget to actually take care of ourselves in the process. Unfortunately this can put an emotional toll on your mental health.
We can be so content with his problems and being there for him just to prove that we are a good woman. Don’t invest your time in trying to fix a broken man in a situationship. You can easily be manipulated into thinking that you need to stick around to save him.
You should never feel like you have to prove your worthiness by taking on the task of being a man’s therapist. It’s simply ok to be there for someone, but sometimes that emotional toll can weigh on your identity as a person.
Are you Defensive?
When you start noticing a shift in your emotions this may be a major red flag. A clear example of this behavior in a situationship is when you start to become very defensive with family and friends when they ask questions about why you’re not in a relationship with this person.
I often found myself to be extremely defensive with my friends because I did not always want to speak on my relationship status. Although I understood their concern, I would always remind them that it is not their business.
Our emotions have a funny way of telling us when something truly is not right and we need to learn to trust it. Just think about all the times you found yourself crying over a guy and a few weeks later you find out the real truth.
Trust your gut and leave the situation if you’re not comfortable. I understand that feelings may be involved, but if you’re not HAPPY without having that title, then you’re well within you’re right to feel sad.
Is it Lust or Love?
Yes, it’s possible to be in love with a person while in a situationship. I’ve seen it happen several times, and sometimes it may end up with hurt feelings.
First, you need to figure out if you’re genuinely in love with them or their penis. Sex can blind you, especially when it’s incredible. I believe that sex can heighten emotional vulnerabilities. When we are at our weakest point emotionally, sex can make you feel good while in the moment.
My favorite phrase with my friends is: “Do not become dicmatized”.
That is a made-up word, but it definitely can blind you in a relationship. I may have been a little high of oxytocin in the past because I have blurted out an “I love you” or two while in the moment. Some of those times, I thought I was in love, but I may have confused lust with love.
It’s also very imperative to figure out if he has valid feelings toward you. Nothing is worse than blurting out “I love you” just for him to be silent. Men may not commit to saying “I love you” because they’re taught to suppress their feelings. In situationships, saying I love you too soon may cause a lot of confusing emotions, and it mixed signals. Just remember to safeguard your heart.
Is the timing off?
Ever heard this phrase “Right person, wrong time”? Well, this phrase is extremely valid in situationships. A lot of times, women tend to map out their entire future, and then rush into relationships that are not healthy, all because we want a title. YOU CAN NOT RUSH A RELATIONSHIP!
One thing I enjoy doing is spending time building a friendship with that person. In situationships, you do not have to feel obligated to commit all your time to them, but you do get to create a special bond in the process. In situationships, you’re in an interesting predicament because you get to feel the person out for a more extended period before making that commitment.
As far as timing with men goes, they may feel inadequate in pursuing relationships with women if they’re not financially stable or emotionally available. Men in situationships may avoid commitment because they believe they need to have a life plan in place, or they’re just dragging you through the mud to get all the benefits.
So why can’t he just build that plan with you while being your boyfriend? Well, because of his intentions, he needs to be able to show some sort of growth.
I would give a man six months to a year MAX to develop a plan, and if their plan does not include you, its time to leave.
Do they lack communication skills?
Although this can happen in any phase of a relationship, ineffective communication skills are a major turn off.
I really can not stand men who can not communicate their feelings. I need you to address everything upfront, so I can at least decide for myself If I want to stay or leave the situation.
An example of ineffective communication in a situationship is, if every time you bring up the status of your relationship, he continually dodges the question or starts an argument with you.
This argument is a man’s way of saying, “I don’t feel comfortable answering the question because I don’t want to hurt your feelings.” These actions caused by ineffective communication can cause more damage than their needs to be.
You have to be able to decide on leaving or staying. Men who are serious about the woman they want to be with will always make their intentions clear. Even if they can’t give you what you need right now, you will see through their actions that they’re actively trying to keep you in the loop of what is going on.
In conclusion, I always tell people to follow their hearts but rationally approach the situation. Anything that is for you will be for you no matter what. All situationships are not created equal, and several circumstances apply that make each one unique.
We all have to learn and maintain our worth. Do not get stuck in a situationship if this concept makes you uncomfortable. We are all worthy of love, and we should always strive to be with someone who WANTS to be with us.
Please feel free to sound off in the comment section about your feelings on situationships. I would love to talk to all of you and get your perspective.